Friday, September 18, 2009

Dear Mr. Hilfiger,

I usually don't write this kind of letter,I mean, I don't even know you, but after last night I feel the need to share with you.

I went into your store. You know, the one with your name on it and more red, white and blue than a Fourth of July picnic in Boise. It was my very first time. You see, all my life I've disliked you. You're cool, I'm not, your stuff is ridiculously over-priced a tad pricey, I'm cheap and up until recently you were only available at the Bay. Happy Geek don't do the Bay.

Anyway, I was by myself at the new outlet mall. The sheer euphoria of being alone in an outlet mall here in Canada was getting to me and I wandered into your store. Then I spotted them. Huge racks of women's tops for six dollars.

They called to me in an irresistible way.

Now you may not know this, because I am guessing you don't shop there often but in these parts even Goodwill shirts are five bucks a piece. And your shirts were new. They were free of painted pictures of puppies and no one had ever sweated in them. And they were 6 bucks a piece. The joy was overwhelming.

So I loaded up my arms and headed for the dressing room.

This is where we began to run into problems. Apparently your sizing is based on women who eat two grapes a month and feel full.

The first shirt I tried on was a small. After I struggled into it and couldn't finish buttoning it up, I realized I had a bigger issue. The circulation in my arms was being cut off by the sleeves. Then I tried to get out. It was a mighty struggle. At one point I was considering applying large quantities of hand lotion to grease my way out of the situation, but then I would be stuck buying a greasy shirt that wouldn't fit a cabbage patch doll.

Now Tommy, can I call you Tommy? Tommy, we gotta talk. I will be the first to tell you, I got waaay too much junk in the trunk, my thighs are the size of normal people's waists and I have some serious baby jelly-belly going on, but my arms, they are normal. If I can't fit my skinny little arms into your shirts, then maybe the problem isn't me, it might be you.

I tried on ten shirts Tommy, and only fit two. I had to get them in medium. MEDIUM? I am 5 foot two. La Senza doesn't even carry my bra size as it is too small. TOO SMALL FOR THE NATIONAL LINGERIE RETAILER. I am NOT a medium topped gal.

Tommy can I make a suggestion? Because I know you want to keep up with the needs of your customers, especially the ones who spend twelve dollars at a time at your stores. Work on the sizing. Because when a woman can't fit her arms into sleeves, well, that tells her she's fat. And only a moron does that.

Sincerely,

Happy Geek

5 comments:

Char said...

TOO FUNNY!! I cannot express how awesome you are!! Love you!

CC said...

Ah yes, well I've never visited Tommy's store. But I have a feeling he sized for pre-teens. Cuz I am a S or XS top gal myself.

Nicole said...

The thing about women's clothing is that sizes seem arbitrary. You can vary 3 sizes if you go to different stores! What is that about?

a Tonggu Momma said...

Heh. I adore you. And your jelly belly. And the junk in your trunk. And even your normal-sized arms. (Even though I've never actually seen you. Oh, and I don't roll that way.)

Janet said...

I also will join the Happy Geek fanclub. 'Cause that post was brilliant. B.R.I.L.L.I.A.N.T.

PS- Do I get some sort of certificate for joining? Or perhaps a free gift? But not a T.H. shirt, 'cause I'm pretty sure I wouldn't fit anything in that store!