Friday, June 12, 2009

Forgiven

Achilles heels.

We all have them.  

You know, the area in one's life that seems hardest to change yet incredibly so loathsome to have as a part of one's character.  Yet it remains. 

I don't think there is any part of me that I have prayed about more than my temper and yet it gets the better of me more than I really even care to admit to myself. 

The guilt I feel after I blow it yet again feels like a weight on my neck.  The mental re-hashing of my failure grinds at my soul.   The remorse at unleashing an unnecessary fury on two small blessings is bitter pill to swallow.

Yet it remains.

A few weeks I had a parenting fail of epic proportions.  There was yelling, there was door slamming and I believe a wall may have been punched.  None of it was helpful, none of it changed my children's behaviour and all I was left with were two scared, tear-stained pre-schoolers.

The weight of my failure was immense.  The night was endless as I cried out to my Maker, "Please heal me of this horrid anger.  I so desperately long to be kind, to be gentle and to be even, not this tower of fury."

Again and again I repented.  Yet, the weight remained.

The following morning was communion.  Once again, I examined myself and once again, found myself repenting.  I asked "how can I come before you, so stained and pathetic?"

The answer was what I long to be to my children.

Gentle, firm, full of authority but overwhelming with love.

"Forgiven.  You can come because you are forgiven.  You are weak, you are sinful, prideful and you will fail again, but you are forgiven.  I am faithful and just and you are cleansed from that unrighteousness."

The weight was gone.

So it remains.

Forgiven.

9 comments:

Knittinchick said...

Oh friend. We all have those things that make us desperate for God and grace. I poured out my heart to a friend yesterday saying that I felt like this past year has ruined me for same ol', same ol' and that I miss those days.

Forgiveness. Grace. Release of wrongs. SO GOOD. How do people live without it?

-KC

PS-we all have our stuff. People like you that say that have it are so refreshing to be around.

a Tonggu Momma said...

Beautifully written, HG. This transparency is one of the reasons I adore you.

Janet said...

Oh yes. I know those moments of anger. I pray that prayer all the time. I KNOW I am forgiven, but sometimes the guilt consumes me.

Kelly @ Love Well said...

Beautiful. And so true. His mercies are new every morning.

Veronica Mitchell said...

This was perfect.

Dawn and Dale said...

SO PERFECTLY written indeed!!

granola_granny said...

Ditto

CC said...

It is so wonderful to be forgiven!!!

Heather of the EO said...

Ah yes...the anger. Me too. The guilt. Me too. The relief in forgiveness. Me too.